i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'm too high and old for this...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
