HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Randomize
