So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
