yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Randomize
