Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We left an ass print on the piano.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
You ruined the universe
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
