Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
