glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
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