im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize