Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
