good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize