hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Randomize
