Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
