yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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