If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
