When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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