yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
The best revenge is premature balding
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
