Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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