Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
