He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
