Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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