I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize