Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
