no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize