So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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