What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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