Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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