She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
I wish I only lived at night.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Couch. On fire.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Randomize