YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
