it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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