yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
