I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize