I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
