a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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