My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
did i just pee glitter
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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