its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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