ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I fill condoms, not promises.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
