I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
