Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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