i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
