Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
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