If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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