so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Randomize
