you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
