So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
