I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
