My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Randomize