I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
