I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Randomize
