the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
