bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize