dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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