before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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