Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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