I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
