Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
