i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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