Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
How does one acquire holy water?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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