soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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