John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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