The maid of honor just puked.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Randomize
