Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
