How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
