I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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