In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
