i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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